Wednesday, June 11, 2008


So, the time has come... I must find a bathing suit. I'm heading to my parents for our annual 2 week summer trip ~ they live on the water in RI, and well... as much as I try... I can't get away without a bathing suit when I have 2 boys who LOVE the water. I buckled down, bought a suit today at Lands End - because they seem to have the solutions to my many "anxiety zones" and then I get this great email forward from my mom all about the joys of this topic and I had to share... I have no idea where it started or who wrote it so I apologize in advance for not giving credit where credit is due...

"It's almost that time of year ... The Bathing Suit

I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.

The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece which gave the appearance of an over sized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.

It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.

My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label which read -- 'Material might become transparent in water.'

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too. I'll be the one in cut off jeans and a t-shirt! "

4 thoughts:

Rick said...

Very funny post. Your sense of humor comes through loud and clear.

Anonymous said...

oh how I hate swim suit season!!

Barrie said...

Very funny! And, oh how we can all relate!

AmySprite said...

I'm so glad I went back to check out some of your old posts. I laughed so hard going through this... I couldn't agree more about bathing suits. Why there aren't suits for thirty/forty-something mommies is a mystery! I was on a mission to find a bathing suit/tankini with real bra support last year. Finally found one at Victoria's Secret, it not only lifted what I had, but added a cup size. :) Not bad, if you don't mind running around in what feels like a sausage casing. ;^)